How can I get myself to react less?

Dealing with your own reactions

What happens when we are in a confrontational situation?

Our response starts with the lower part of the brain firing off some very quick feelings. This is followed, we hope, by the higher parts of the brain bringing in a range of considerations and previous experiences. Finally, we decide what to do and act. So with emotionally intelligent behaviour, the sequence is:

Feel   Think   Do

To reduce the amount we react, we could try some of the following.

1 Deliberately make more of a gap between the ‘Feel’ and the ‘Do’:
• count to ten (or less)
• consider more than one option.

Try being open-handed about this, saying what is going on as your are doing it, for example: 'I’ll count to five now, and consider whether it would be best to … or …' This can be very effective for demonstrating that you retain control.

The problem with some of our reactions is that the 'think' stage is by-passed, so that what we do is driven by what we feel. To reduce the amount we react, we could try some of the following.

2 Spot your inner dialogues which make you most reactive, i.e. the thoughts which perpetuate feelings rather than move on from them. For example:

• ‘That Terry is a mean little blighter’
• ‘He’s always trying to take advantage of me’
• ‘She shows no respect for me or for anyone’.

3 Occasionally try something counter-intuitive to break the pattern:

• ‘James, I want you to walk round the classroom shouting’
• ‘Sarah, what a nice pair of shoes, are they new?’.

Developing new flexible responses will also test out our beliefs. Test yourself by noticing how you feel about this comment from a headteacher: 'The individual with the greatest flexibility of thought and behaviour can and generally will control the outcome of any interaction'.

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The problem with some of our reactions is that the `think' stage is by-passed
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Help and support 
For further advice on this issue, ATL members can speak to their school rep, their branch secretary or their regional official. They can also call the London (020 7930 6441), Cardiff (029 2046 5000) or Belfast office (02890 327 990) or email info@atl.org.uk.

For out of hours enquiries, call the out of office hours helpline on 020 7782 1612 (Monday-Friday, 5-8pm during term time).

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